Every now and then I find myself pondering my own life between those years . At 17, I was a punkass kid who didn’t know jackshit. At 21, I was a punkass adult, who still didn’t know jackshit, but could drink booze and was wise enough to look back at that 17-year-old-self and realize she was an idiot.
Those years are so transformative.
Those years are so transformative.
My *cough* 35-year-old-self looks back at them and realizes how much that journey truly shaped the course my entire life has taken. Those experiences between punkass-kid and punkass-adult make you who are and what you will become.
And, these days, it’s that notion that makes me ponder deep thoughts every time I watch Kristen.
Twilight has been her ‘college’. She’s moved from that teenage girl who giggled her way through those first Twilight Tuesdays to a woman who’s one of the top paid actresses in tinsel town. And, she’s done it all under the lens of a microscope so powerful I can’t even imagine it.
Her ‘performance’ today at her 3rd Comic Con was so startlingly different to the two that came before it, I can’t help wanting to stand up and clap for her like a mother sitting in the audience watching to her child march by to Pomp & Circumstance.
Please don’t get me wrong, through all her awkwardness of previous interviews, I have always thought Kristen had eloquent ideas and thoughts about these stories and her character. It’s just always taken a little patience and understanding to listen to her share those thoughts.
But today she seemed all grown up. Yes, the leg still bounced. Yes, her hair still calls out for her hands to run through it. She even poked fun at her own awkwardness. But, there was nothing awkward about her answers and to me the message she’s always sent was finally so clear, I hope every person in this fandom finally got it.
She is one of us.
Bill Condon confirmed what I’ve been thinking for so long. “There is no bigger fan of Twilight than Kristen. She's always there like, "I know what it felt like when I read this the first time."
For me, the most epic moment of the day was not the 20 fail-seconds of a black screen with quiet-sexing music playing during the painful livestream of Bill C’s second clip. (Although sweet baby jesus, I am sitting here still awake because if that clip doesn’t get hacked and posted on twitter soon I’m gonna lose my faith in the ninja skills of this fandom). What struck me the deepest, was Kristen answering @Taryder’s question during the first press conference.
Q: “Breaking Dawn was an emotional journey. What was it like filming for months, and how did everything that happens to Bella effect you personally?”
A: “This one really is loaded with cathartic, impactful huge life moments and they're not all fantasy. They're very rooted in a reality that I can completely see myself in. Anyone who reads the book can imagine them in it themselves. I can't let the book punch me in the face every morning. You have to let the moments happen. And they did. And we just went for it. A lot of it. I feel it was very, very close to the book…”
At the heart of Kristen Stewart is a Twilight fan.
Somewhere between wrapping up with her high school tutor and becoming legal to drink a beer, she managed to remain the ‘linchpin’ holding this all together. Sure, I don’t think she’d spend hours on end giggling about sparkly peens on twitter like the rest of us… but she gets it.
She’s always gotten it.
I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the journey that Bella took in Stefenie Meyer’s head. A lot of people outside our little world think Twilight is a fluffy love story with some blood suckers and overgrown puppies. But to me it’s always been about Bella. It’s about the journey a girl takes to becoming a woman. A strong woman who can face what life throws at her head on and is so powerful in her own skin she’s not afraid of what lies ahead. She’ll protect what’s hers at any cost.
So when she answered today it struck me. My god. How could Kristen not feel close to the book? For many of us, we love this shit because we see ourselves walking in Bella’s shoes. We see what we went through in those transformative years. And I think Kristen must too. Because, although she has only gotten hitched and popped out a baby on a set, in a lot of ways it’s still reflective of her own real life journey.
So when she answered today it struck me. My god. How could Kristen not feel close to the book? For many of us, we love this shit because we see ourselves walking in Bella’s shoes. We see what we went through in those transformative years. And I think Kristen must too. Because, although she has only gotten hitched and popped out a baby on a set, in a lot of ways it’s still reflective of her own real life journey.
She started this thing out a punkass 17 year old kid. She spent the whole first Comic Con looking like a deer caught in headlights. She stumbled over every other word and looked like she had to stare at Rob in order to cling to something that would keep her from melting into a puddle of nerves on the floor. Her second Comic Con she seemed more badass (thanks Joan Jett mullet), maybe a little more comfortable in her skin, but there was still that ‘melt into the floor’ quality. (She did of course still stare back at Rob. Lordy, the eyesexing at the New Moon CC is legendary in my mind.)
But today she seemed so incredibly at ease. She knew what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it. Obviously, there was still adorkableness. But if she completely lost that I would mourn it’s passing.
She showed her deep passion for this film. She showed her passion for doing this whole thing justice. And while I think she’s shown that time and time again, today it seemed like she finally felt comfortable expressing it.
Like she wanted to be there to celebrate it.
She seemed like a powerful woman to me. Ready to face the world instead of fearing it.
When filming ended, I pondered a lot about how it must’ve felt for her. Shooting that wedding scene must have felt like a graduation in so many ays. She’s literally grown up with Twilight. Like Bella, she is now this more powerful, confident being. She knows who she is and what she has and wants to protect.
I’m old enough to know that while she is wise beyond her years, she too will probably look back 14 years from now (shit, how am I that much older than her, 21 seems like yesterday) and think she was such a punkass. But punkass or not, our girl has transformed.
I kinda can’t wait to watch her spread her wings.
I’ve told a lot of people if there was one person I could sit down and have lunch with in this world it would be Kristen. I think it would be amazing to sit and ponder deep thoughts about these characters with her. And I doubt, other than Stephenie and maybe Melissa, there is another person on the planet who knows them so well. When Kristen speaks about her character, I think she sounds proud of the journey Bella takes. Today, in an interview, she called Bella a ‘keeper’.
Well, today I was so proud of the journey Kristen has taken while wearing Bella’s shoes. And in my mind Kristen is without a doubt a keeper.
-twopeas…
PS: And if she ever does wanna sit down and talk sparkle peen… I’m gonna still be here waiting… I’ll even pick up the lunch tab.
PPS: At 17, I was in love with a boy. At 21, I was still in love with that boy. At 23, I married him and at 28 we had some beautiful babies together. So is it wrong of me to hope that while our girl continues to grow up –maybe she’ll decide to hold onto her boy too. That would make me even prouder than I was of her today.
PPS: At 17, I was in love with a boy. At 21, I was still in love with that boy. At 23, I married him and at 28 we had some beautiful babies together. So is it wrong of me to hope that while our girl continues to grow up –maybe she’ll decide to hold onto her boy too. That would make me even prouder than I was of her today.
PPSS: Honey, throw your shield up around your man and your dog and don’t let the evil world inside...
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