My High Maintenance Love Letter To Bill Condon.

Dear Bill Condon,

You don’t know me. And actually, I don’t know you. In fact, I had to IMDB you today to see where you’ve been all my life.

I saw Chicago once. That’s about as close as we’ve ever come to bumping into one another. I didn’t see Dream Girls or Gods and Monsters. But, I haven’t been too far under a rock, I had at least heard of them both. I think I did watch that Academy Awards show you worked on in 2009.

So given the fact that we clearly have just met, I hope it doesn’t surprise you to know that I am seriously, undeniably in love with you right now.

I’ve spent the better part of the last two days completely ignoring my husband and two kids, the laundry -which I keep trying to tell to fold it’s damn self, my garden - which is willowing under this thing Jim Cantore is calling Heat Dome and my own appetite - which is pissed at me because I don’t wanna take time to eat. I’ve done all this because I simply can’t stop watching and reading interviews from Comic Con 2011. The amount of footage is a bit overwhelming. This morning, after I engaged in some domestic violence with my alarm clock, I managed to check my twitter @’s before even climbing out of bed. And there it was. No. Not the infamous 2^nd clip you’re holding out from us…This interview:

http://blogs.indiewire.com/thompsononhollywood/2011/07/21/comic-con_bill_condon_talks_twilight_breaking_dawn_horror_rating_intensity/

And, although you mighta had me at that Thanksgiving still of Kristen’s handful of feathers, this interview has had me sqeeeing all day. (You don’t need to Wikipedia it. Sqeeeing is that sound you might typically hear when Rob walks into a room with 2 or more humans with only X chromosomes. If you’re still unsure, call Catherine. Like you said, she thinks like a teenage girl, she can demonstrate it for you.)

The way you talk about this film… I can feel your connection to it. It’s evident you are one of those deep cerebral thinkers who has to delve into things. My god, no wonder Kristen and Rob obviously adore you. You’re a cerebral geek like them!

I’m a little shamelessly thrilled at your adapted screenwriting creds. To write a screenplay and really nail it you have to be a person who can take a book and whittle it down to what really matters. What tells the tale. You have to examine the characters and know them inside and out. You've got to be careful to hit all the big plot points while also being careful not to lose important small details. And while we fans know we are still saddled with Melissa (sorry chicka, you cut my ‘I expected the wrath of the grizzlies…’ scene out of Eclipse. You can’t be forgiven) dubbing over Stephenie’s fade to black, I am totally enamored with how you talk about the story. You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what makes these people tick and what the story is really all about.

Wow. Another thing we have in common. How have we not met before?

I am not afraid to admit hearing you use the word ‘potent’ to describe the honeymoon and birth does things to my girly bits. And when you say you wanted to ‘play’ with us fans... oh Billy Bill.

Bring it.

Has the Summit Exec who lurked our ring whining on twitter while you were shooting in Brazil also told you how much we like to play!? Perhaps you’ve heard the game we prefer is Twister?

The way you talk about Kristen… *sigh* I talk about her with the same reverence in my voice. And the fact that you see how intertwined she is with this character and how much she’s matured. ..wait. Didn’t I just stay up till 2am last night musing about that very thought? *Doing that double ‘point to my eyes and then yours’ thing.*

Winning over my love was not going to be an easy feat for you. You see I am a huge fan of the adorkable Chris Weitz. I might have even surmised once or twice during pre-production that I wish he’d come back to work on this film. But knowing what I know now, I am so glad you are running this joint.

I love the way you talk about giving in to our demands for the rings. (Oh, I see you Summit… we know you’re out there behind our twitter pages watching our every move and pulling our strings like we’re marionettes. Don’t’ you have someone to try to sue today? Ok, I admit, that chick deserved it.) So Bill, since we’re talking demands, have you heard mention of the fact that we want an unrated Director’s cut version of the DVD? Both you and Kristen and Rob keep mentioning how you shot everything ‘all the way’ and this is truly a horror film. Yeah…. We’re gonna need proof of that to believe you. So you just fork over all the film and we’ll be happy. See, while you seem very at ease about that meeting you have with the ratings board next week, it has us shaking in our Converse. We want it all. Rob said the whole house falls down. We wanna see that. We’re all kinda freaky chicks, so we want to see Rob rip that baby out with his teeth too. Trust me, we’ll all think it’s hawt in some way. (Oh, hawt means hot to us. You know, as in good looking?) So if Stephenie has already paid off the censors to cockblock our asses, we want to opportunity to see just how far you really went…

I’ll leave you alone now cause clearly you have more important things to be doing than reading this love note. I just needed to let you know how I feel. Look for me out in LA amongst the hordes of smelly women lining the red carpet at the premiere. I’ll be easy to spot. I’ll be the chick in a sea of Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts wearing the one that says ‘Team Bill Condon’.

With love,

Twopeas.

PS – I am pretty sure there are a few people I know who would trade sexual favors if you would talk Summit into releasing that 2^nd clip from Comic Con. There’s many I know who might trade their first born. I know you think I’m kidding.

I’m not.