Rob, Another Vagina, & Our Challenge to Be Cooler.

I really don’t wanna comment on the drama that went on in the twifamily yesterday… because I really don’t wanna give it the dignity of the column inches or add to the length of time this annoying conversation persists. But the mommybear in me has come out and I feel the need to unload. I promise I am not going to rehash all the ‘nonnie’ vs ‘the rest of us’ crap… I’m going to make a point… and issue you all a challenge. See if you’re up for it.

In my last musing, I wrote a letter to Kristen with a description of how grown up and cool some of us are. Yeah… this is not helping convince her of that.  Yesterday was just proof positive that she has always been right.  Things are much better when they live like ninjas and perpetuate ‘drought’. Because apparently, we are not mature enough to handle anything else. *That sound you hear is me shaking my head in disgust.*

sorry for the bewbie shot, but you get the point

I have maintained I hope she never gives us anything because as soon as they ‘have’ their happy – they will immediately be trying to prey upon anything they can spin as their sad. The paps and gossip mongers think we have the attention span of a newt… and yesterday might have affirmed that.

I’m not going to even debate here what I think about that picture. Really? Grow up. People go out. People have fun. People even occasionally have fun with members of the opposite sex. *sarcastic gasp*

Is this what things are gonna be like around here for now on? Every time he’s photographed with someone, other than Kristen, who has a vagina we’re gonna have to label him a cheater and start digging into the sanctity of their relationship? Cause if this is how this fandom is gonna roll I’m heading over to hang out with the Trekkies. There’s got to be less drama over there.

Here’s the thing. I want to challenge us. I want us to draw up some ‘post-BD’ ground rules. We are one year out from this all ending. We need to practice now for what it will be like to be fans of these folks in the ‘after-years’.  Part of why we all grotesquely adore Rob and Kristen is because they don’t live their lives like the rest of Hollywood. They break the rules. They don’t set out for the spotlight. They don’t sell things that most other couples would be cashing in on to increase their iMDB ratings and the number of hits they get on Google.

So let’s break the rules with them. Let’s strive to be different and learn from their example. Instead of  engaging in this ridiculous high school discussion, ooohhhing and ahhhhing and making all this white noise every time a picture like this comes out – let’s sit back and stay quiet. Let’s have some faith that they are big boys and girls now and can handle their own business.   

My husband always jokes about what would happen to me if ‘those two broke up.’ He maintains that I would need some sort of counseling because I hold them on a ridiculous pedestal. 

Ok…  He’s probably right…

But in the dark, dark back corner of my mind I realize that they have incredible odds stacked against them. They are very young. We sometimes forget how young they are. And they live in a zip code that isn’t exactly well known for lifelong monogamy. And they are saddled with us. How many couples survive that? Is it even possible?

I really hope so. Because I do not want to be part of an equation that destroys it. Do you? Us sitting on twitter and perpetuating a buzz around photos like that fuels it. It makes the pictures worth more money. It gets the websites that write complete crap more hits. It proves to the predators that pictures of the sad might sell more than the happy.

Don’t let them use us to break them.

What if we followed their example? What if we went against the norms and instead of tearing things down we just stayed quiet? There are going to be more days like yesterday. It’s inevitable. They have friends. They have business. They need to find a ‘post-BD’ life that includes leaving their house.

How will you react? Decide now so you’re prepared.

I am thinking for now on my response will be this: I will quietly, simply tweet my favorite picture of eye sexing. My little drop of water to send out into the world to calm the flame. What if we all sent out one drop? Could we make the flame stop burning altogether?  Could we become their greatest support instead of their greatest obstacle?

Perhaps I have a different perspective of yesterday because I have faithfully been with the same man for 21 years. I know what trust is. I have it. My husband could walk down the street with his arm around another woman and it wouldn’t phase me. He loves me. I know it. He is faithful to me. I never question it. Perhaps there are a lot of people in the world who don’t experience that and think it can’t exist. 

It can.

 I don’t know if it exists for them (we certainly didn’t have it at their age…it forms over time and years and life experience) – but it would be the kind of love I would wish for everyone.  I wish it for them. But you can’t have that kind of relationship without surrounding yourself with people who support it and help you build it up.

Let’s be that.

We can do this.

I know under our 13-year-old tendencies we really are this cool. Let’s prove it to them.

<3-  Twopeas

Breaking Dawn Premiere: Thoughts From The Sidewalk...

It’s been two weeks now since my ‘Breaking Dawn experience’ ended. Fourteen whole days of trying to remember my real life means grocery shopping and folding laundry, not the bright lights of LA. I have tried to stop being an emo mess while reflecting back on the whole thing. My daily litmus test is trying to listen to Turning Page and Thousand Years back-to-back without tearing up.

I’m not even close.

I’ve tried to let my thoughts bleed all over a blank Word canvas a few times – but everything comes out a tangled up, clichéd pile of 13 year old nonsense. And this probably will too. But hell. It’s time to give it a go.

Or be committed to some kinda fangirl detox program.

How do I begin to summarize my thoughts on an experience I know will stay bubble wrapped in my memory till my peas come steal all my shit and cart me off to assisted living? How do I explain why it was important and impactful without sounding like a complete and utter loser?

"You went and sat on a sidewalk with a bunch of crazy people and saw a movie? I mean… it’s just a movie..."

God. It was so much more than that.

So, I’ve decided I’m going to tackle this as a series of love letters. Because there are groups and individuals who made this what it was and without them… it really would’a been just a sidewalk and a movie.

And, without them… well no... I might still be a loser.

Let’s see how much of my inner 13 year old comes out here before we decide… queue up some Flightless Bird this might be a tear jerker before I’m done with you.


Dear Stephenie,
I did not go into this week expecting to be emotional. At all. But something about standing beside you moved me.

You started all of this.

I think every person who calls themselves a Twilight fan should pay homage to you first. Because standing there, as my friend snapped our picture, all I could think was without you and your dream and your laptop and your kid’s naptimes none of us would be where we are.

The scale of that statement had never really hit me till I watched you quietly make your way through the crowd handing out your book. This ‘thing’ has become so big I think sometimes the fans themselves feel some kind of ownership of it. But at the end of the day… seeing you hold a copy of Breaking Dawn reminded me – this is yours.

All yours.

And quite simply: Thank you for sharing it with us.

With devotion,
twopeas

 

Dear LA King’s Fans:I am not going to lie, I did a little googling when I got home hoping to find out if your team sucks. MisterPea finally informed me your team is actually good.

Bummer.

I feel really sorry for you. The 2 games you attended during our tentcity campout were apparently so bad instead of watching hockey you felt the need to hang on the rail and taunt us and shout obscenities. For your sake, I hope the rest of the season goes better for you, so your money isn’t wasted on tickets to boring games

Ok. Not really. My husband has Caps seasons tickets. I hope you get creamed this year.

Grow up.

No love,
twopeas


Dear Kristen,
I had one goal premiere night: Get you to sign my copy of Breaking Dawn. I knew going in there would be a ‘scene’ as soon as you hit the carpet, but I was totally unprepared for the reality of the situation.

Pandemonium. Sheer and utter chaos.

So much so that Rob came before you and it never really even registered with me that he was there. People literally were climbing over each other to get to you. I think I had fingernail marks down my back.

It was overwhelming. And just teetering over the edge of scary.

As you stood in front of me, I tried to imagine what that sea of insanity must look like from your side of the barricade. The thought that kept running through my head: this is what happens every time she leaves the house?

Yes. She is even more beautiful in person.

And just like that, I had even more respect for you and the grace with which you live your life.

In the tiny sliver of time I had to comprehend this, my brain connected with my mouth only long enough for me to wordvomit this at you: ‘Kristen thank you so much for putting up with all this!’ And you gave me back the classic scrunched forehead and head bob – silently saying, ‘no BD.’ You then took my half dried out silver sharpie and forced that fucker to work just long enough to fulfill my number one goal.

It was 20 mindless seconds, that you must repeat endlessly, on autopilot. It was 20 seconds of my life I’ll never forget.

That makes me sound like the biggest lame ass loser of all time… but to me, you are the draw behind this whole thing. You’re what holds it together.

If my brain would have connected faster to my mouth (and if I could have stretched 20 seconds into… I don’t know… however long it will take me to spew all this. Maybe long enough for a cigarette and a beer?) I would have said this…

Thank you for being one of us. For loving this shit as much as we do. For referring to going back to the book as ‘consulting the Bible.’

Thank you for inspiring women to be themselves, to find their own power, and speak their own minds. I know being this ‘role model’ is not a life or a responsibility you signed up for. But lately you seem to have settled into this new station we’ve thrust (sorry, we’re now working that word into casual conversation) upon you. You’re finding your way amidst the barriers we’ve thrown up around your ‘normal’ life. You’ve managed to stick to your guns, stay true to yourself, still do amazing work and protectively hold on to your man while doing it.

In short, we adore you because you are an amazing woman. And sadly there are just very, very few of them in this world who have ‘the spotlight’ shined upon them. Most of the ‘icons’ society tells us to emulate and admire are fluff or egomaniacs. You are like the anti-fluff.

Thank you for your brilliant performance in this movie. In my opinion, your best to date. (Including Cake Eaters which I’ve always thought was brilliant. And Welcome to the Riley’s which I just plain adored.) Thank you for knowing what this story was really about. A strong woman, who just needs the chance to convince the rest of the world who she is: Powerful. Fearless. Selfless.

I wish there was a way to slow down the hurricane that we create around you, so you could actually sit and enjoy some of this with us. I think you would be so proud to know who your real fans are. The media likes to paint us all as bubbly, incoherent 10 year olds. But I assure you there are a subset of us that are powerful, articulate women who hold life tightly with both hands. I had the awesome opportunity to sit among so many of them in LA. I wish you could climb out of your own skin for a day and get the chance to witness how very cool they actually are.

I try not to think too hard about all of this coming to an end, but I am excited to see where you wind your path through life. I hope trading in the life you’d imagined for the one this has created will at least allow you the comfort of knowing we will be loyal. Feel the freedom to follow your heart. Fuck Up. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Then make more.

That’s what life is.

Most actors seem to pick and choose their path solely based on the hope it remains centered under a blistering sun. Keep being brave and choose the path you want for yourself. Your true supporters will follow. Hopefully from a comfortable distance so we don’t trample all the beauty around you in the process…

This whole thing has taken from you, but it has given you great power as well. Use it. Enjoy it. And please don’t hate us for enjoying being witness to it.

I’ve read a lot of reviews lately that bash Twilight for centering around Bella being weak and emotionally dependent. They make me chuckle every time. For me, this whole thing is about a celebration of strong women and the connections they form.

Bella. You. Us.

There is a sisterhood that has formed around this thing. It’s become bigger than the books. Bigger than the movies. Way bigger than you or I. It’s power is in our numbers. And, in the connections we’ve formed. Men don’t understand it. And they certainly can’t write reviews about it.

My hope is you feel at least a small part of that. And instead of growing bitter toward what we’ve taken like predators, you can enjoy some of what hopefully we are able to give back as sisters.

With great admiration,
twopeas

ps: *I told you all I was gonna get mushy… you were forwarned!*

This is a horrid picture of me... but really, who is looking at me here? Like a 13 year old I have to keep looking at this to make sure it's real. lol. My goal was my book signed... this picture was like the bonus round. I think I might have said something really really stupid like 'Please Kristen, I only want a picture with you.

Dear Bill Condon,
A few months back I wrote you my first love note. You probably didn’t see it, because well… you were a little busy. It was the birth of my allegiance to you.

I jumped outta bed one morning, after watching an interview with you, shouting ‘He gets it! Oh my lord, finally! Someone who gets us."

Shortly after that, I penned that first devotional and had a Team Bill Condon shirt printed up. (Sidenote, I had to trick CafePress into letting me print it…. So I hope you don’t mind. No profits were made off your name I promise. Just one little shirt.)

I kept watching every interview you gave and I started fangirling you pretty hard to Jack on twitter. (Actually, I might’ve even scared him a little bit in my fierce declarations of loyalty toward you! He’s very protective of you, it’s adorable.) But my god, the way you talked about making this movie and the connection you clearly had made to what this story is really about, inspired my fangirling. The excitement you have about your work… everyone should be that excited to get up and go to work every day.

And now, I’ve spent the last week breaking my arm off patting myself on the back. Because within 2 seconds of the Volturi sending that chick to her doom, Team Bill Condon swelled to a legion of tens of thousands of adoring fans.

Your approach to this movie was so far beyond what any of us expected. I’m not gonna lie, I think we might have gone in trying to lower our expectations. How on earth were you going to pull it off? And be saddled by PG-13?

But you did it. You straddled the line as far as you could. You remembered that at the heart this story is about Bella and her strength. You didn’t get lost *cough* like others in trying to appeal to the masses or trying to turn this into an action movie (sorry David…). You kept the focus where it needed to be.

Your ability to think ‘outside the box’ made for some of the most awe inspiring moments. (The way you showed her burning – my god the brief glimpse of it from her perspective was so scary and horrifically jaw dropping and then the deathly-morphine-induced stillness from his perspective so eerie! There were tons of those moments where I sat barely contained in my seat and murmured, ‘My god Bill I love you.’) We’d been so anxious for the wedding and the sex – but you threw in these little unanticipated moments that became the most powerful scenes for me. The horror in the bathroom, his hands on her belly as he hears the baby for the first time, him begging her to stay alive… I could watch those parts over and over. (Ok, as of now I’ve seen the movie 5 times… so I guess I have seen them over and over… )

You knew when to speed the story along and, even more amazing, when to slow things down. You let us wallow in Kristen’s ability to convey entire passages of Stephenie’s text with just a silent stare. Her uncertainty walking down the aisle, changing into sheer determination as she sees him. Her realization as she stares into that mirror that she is divided with him on ‘It’ and will have to choose to go against him to save a baby she already loves. You didn’t rush those silent beats and I adore you for it. I think you helped Kristen shine in what I thought was by far her best performance to date.

All the ‘little things’ in this movie added up too. The CGI to show Bella’s deterioration was awesomely disturbing. (That bathroom scene! Good god…) The music you paired throughout made the overall experience so gut wrenching I sat there in Nokia listening to people sob around me and pondered out loud "Why did they give us free popcorn, they shoulda passed out tissues!" Flightless Bird after the vows received gasps from all the women around me.

It was like you wove in all these little ‘insider’ references that only a true fan would understand. Wyck and Stephenie attending the wedding. The montage at the end. Bella’s lullaby playing in the background…

Over the last week I have seen my TL fill up with the words: Genius & God. I can’t begin to imagine the pressure you have felt this past year. Expectations from Summit to deliver a blockbuster. Expectations from this fierce, and sometimes vicious, fandom.

But having the incredible opportunity to spend time with Jack helped me realize just how in tune you really are with us as fans. I feel like you really took that time to understand us and what we wanted from this experience. You listened to Kristen – and realized what we have all known for years – she’s the biggest fan among us.

It feels like you did what few others have bothered to do: you listened.

So my hope now is you are still out there listening – because we are full of appreciation for you and your work. And as much as I know you’ve heard all our pleas and gripes the last year – I want you to hear the adoration now.

I hope your arm hurts from patting yourself on the back too.

With great thanks,
twopeas

PS – I know we are all going to drive you insane with our begging for a director’s cut or deleted scenes… so we apologize in advance for our tendencies of greed… But knowing what you are capable of when saddled with a tween-age rating makes us SO eager to know what you would have done if the leash was off… We know you went there and it’s killing us to miss out on it.

Dear Summit,
Thanks for the canopy over tent city….

I think that’s all.

Have a nice day,
twopeas

ps – Ok. I tried to leave it at that... but alas, no one has ever accused me of being short-winded.

I do realize hosting events like this for a mob of people is a tough thing. And it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. And it was a security nightmare.

The business woman in me can see things from your perspective and realize what an undertaking this is. I just wish sometimes, someone at the echelons of your company would remember that this is a symbiotic ‘chicken and egg’ relationship we have here. Without us, you would be nothing; without you, we would not exist.

Treating us like we are in 6th grade gym class and need to be ‘grouped’ and chastised in a parking lot at 5am is kinda not so cool.

I will give credit where it’s due… You pulled it off so no one got hurt. Which amazed me. Somewhere around 3:30 in the morning, I had started praying only a few people would get trampled or break legs…

But keeping people standing in line for 6+ hours is idiotic. I realized you didn’t want people all herding too fast into tent city. You needed a trickle. *Whisper…you could just give everyone a time stamp when you band them – so they know what time to come back with their tents… Just a thought* I would gladly go see BD1 a dozen times if you would use the excess capital to purchase another laptop and hire two more guys to work it. I''m just sayin' - it would be a bit more humane.

pps – Next year is going to be bigger. Just so you know. Huge. Expect huge. Prepare for it. I know you think you prepared for this one. And in many ways you did. Everyone – cast and crowd - was kept safe. I’m sure that was your number one goal. But this has the opportunity to be an epic experience… for us all...if we work together.

ppss – Respect. It’s a word we need to find in one another. Right now it feels like you see us as dollar signs. We see you as a pack of greedy suits who just want to cash in. It’s not good. We’ve got a year to fix this…


Dear Jack Morrissey,
I started hardcore fangirling you the day you tweeted me that cupcakes fall from trees in LA.

Basically – you had me at baked goods.

So needless to say, when you brought Sprinkles to tentcity, I resolved that I will pull shifts for you for the rest of my life if you want me to… lol. Maybe even that hard-to-sell 3-6am shift.

In all seriousness, getting to sit and talk with you about all of this was such a surreal experience for us all. It made the entire week.

My respect for how much you support Bill is endless. Everyone should get to walk through life with someone as proud and protective as you are of him. He is so lucky to have you in his corner and we were so amazingly lucky that you chose to spend some time in ours – making us laugh, sharing insights and getting to know our thoughts about things.

Aside from the ridiculously fun fanfiction conversations and one adventure with finger puppets, a bread bowl hot tub and sugar packets, the snippets you shared with us about the making of these two movies made me so incredibly impressed with Bill’s entire approach to film making. And, it made watching the movie such a richer experience.

You guys just ‘get it’. And, you’ve taken the time to get us. (Even hearing you use the word ‘fandom’ made me feel blissful.) I had chills during portions of the movie because it was SO apparent this film was made by someone who knew what the fans wanted. Thank you for being a part of that. For acting as a conduit between Bill and the fans.

I thank you as well for bringing the TeamJack girls into my life. How crazy that amidst the thousands of twifans out there, the girls who quietly, randomly, formed a circle around you would become this amazing group of friends. You brought me together with some ladies I hope to have in my life for a very long time.

I think I can safely speak for all the TeamJack girls when I say thank you for the gift of your friendship and time.

With great respect,
twopeas

Knitward & Yarnella - Adventures in Twlighting's blog mascots got to come to dinner...

To the Twilight sisterhood,
My friends and family could not understand what I was possibly going to do sitting on a sidewalk for 6 days. That is because they have never met you all.

I have mused before on these pages about why you all are so important in my life and how amazing it is to witness in person this thing drawing together people and groups whose paths would otherwise have never intersected. There was not one idle moment on that sidewalk. I couldn’t even tell you what we did for those 6 days… but they were full.

Of laughter and chatter and a few tears.

Those of you who didn’t make the sojourn had tears of your own I know. Not having the opportunity to bear hug a few of you made my heart hurt (that’s why we had paperdoll versions of you to tag along.) But while you mourned not getting autographs or pictures – the true loss was the connection we all felt there. Like threads being pulled together into something special.

It was a powerful feeling that is hard to describe. Like a family reunion – only you actually want to be there.

I owe a special thanks to a few of you and fuck it – this is my journal and only 3 people are gonna actually read this, so I’m gonna name some names:

To @cherylsab & @married2myjacob – I would never have taken this trip without you. I think Gina was the first to mention chilling out on the sidewalk. I remember thinking she was insane. But the idea of our little family being together sucked me in. I love you both. Someday my loves. Someday. And it’s going to involve a picture of Cheryl being bear hugged by Gio…

Next year... this will not be the paper version of you two.

To @Eveningrainjlho – You are the reason I actually pulled this off. Quite simply. Without you I would not have been brave enough to even try. I want to quote Top Gun here – a phrase about ‘you can be my wingman any time.’ But are you even old enough to have seen Top Gun?! Next time get under the covers. (Lol. That will keep people guessing.)

To @Petegirlsmom – for whatever you possibly said to Misterpea to get him to agree to this whole thing! And for not making too much fun of my teddy bear.

To TwilightCougar1 – You talked me down off the ledge. I was ready to throw in the towel and not go. My goal in life is to be as cool as you are. You think I’m kidding when I say a fangirl you, but I’m not. I admire you for your strength and humor and talent.

To TracyC25 & @adawnn1 – I always tell MisterPea what is cool about this thing is I have made friends with people I probably would not have in the ‘real world.’ But then I also meet people who I just know I would have had a bond with no matter what universe I found them in. You both fall in that category. I simply adore you both. And I need like 6 more days, 6 more times on any sidewalk you chose.

I love these ladies. That's all.

To Mama_Cougar and @AmyM11_11 and @LadyP804. For sharing in what has to be one of the most memorable dinners of my 30+ years. "Wait, did that really just happen? Someone pinch me." I already loved @GiovanniAgnelli for being one of the funniest people on twitter and for having the biggest, sweetest heart. But I will fangirl him even more now because he helped me find you guys. I would ninja paparazzi with you girls anywhere, anytime.

To the mamaduck, @twibetween, and all the @Team_Jack posse – hanging out with you guys made this whole trip. I feel so lucky to have found you. I hope Jack knows how lucky he is to hang out with such a cool group of women. Lmfao. And a talented bunch too. It takes a lot of know how to get 11 grown women into a minivan.

I expect to see you all next year – huddled in that parking lot waiting to get your cow tag... I mean wristband… Cause I need to repeat this experience. If one of you could call and tell MisterPea to prepay my fangirl detox bill for next December, I’d appreciate it.

With much love,
Twopeas

Last, but very most…

Dear MisterPea,
There are very few girls in this world lucky enough to find their true Edward. I am one of them.

This journey was about way more than meeting the girls and seeing a movie. I have leaned on you for more than half my life. I needed to prove I could do it. I could ‘go all that way and come all the way back.’ I could fly all the way across the country by myself and trust my own instincts.

What I realized, about 2 seconds after kissing you goodbye at the airport, is I am incredibly lucky I’ve never had to be alone in this world. I wasn’t leaning on you, I was walking next to you. And there is nowhere else on this earth I’d ever rather be.

There are very few people in this world who can find joy in seeing another person’s happiness. But, even 3000 miles away, I could feel your excitement for me. Thank you for letting me have this time to be me

When I talk about Kristen & Rob I always say every woman on this earth should know what it’s like to have a man look at her the way he does. Well I wish every woman would get to know what it’s like to be really loved the way you love me.

No matter where these new wings I have fly off to, they will always lead me back to you.

You are a rock star.

AML always,
twopeas

Yes. Those are feathers. Waiting for me when I got home.

… Whew. Marathon.

Now I’m off to play Turning Pages and see if I need to be committed or not. If you’re still reading this almost 5000 words in – you might need to be committed with me… pack your bags. Actually… we’ll probably have fun there together…

Ps: In the time it took me to write this... I probably could have folded 10 loads of laundry... just sayin...

Pps: Just a few more of my favorite shots...

being pulled from every direction...

Team Jack & Posse... riding our post-BD1 viewing high! We haven't figured out yet that Lucky Strike is closed!

Ok, really done now.

<3 - Twopeas

Heading To The Sidewalk... With Bug Spray

Two nights ago my husband arrived home from work and was greeted by a 9x7 foot tent set up in our living room.

He is still laughing.

See, I am not what one would call… ‘outdoorsy’. I don’t do bugs. I prefer to sleep on something made by Stearns and Foster, not Mother Nature. I require things like electrical outlets and sweet smelling shampoo and processed, conditioned, climate controlled air.

So the fact that I am going to hang out in a tent and a sleeping bag on a sidewalk in Los Angeles for 5 days comes as a bit of a surprise to those who have known me the last… oh, 30-some odd years.

I am not certain what to expect out of this experience. But there are hundreds of people who went last time and not only lived to tell about it, but seem to have had enough fun to want to relive it all over again. I’m hoping it’s not like child birth – where it’s just been 18 long months and they’ve forgotten how painful it was.

(Are the bugs in LA really big???)

(I digress.)

There are a couple reasons I wanted to go on this trip. And, despite what all the RL people on my Facebook have been sarcastically poking at me about all day (“You’re going off to ogle RPatz? Are you serious??”), getting up close and personal with The Pretty is actually pretty far down on the list. (EEK! I hope all the other tent city ladies don’t read this and come try to confiscate my wristband…I’ll sqeee when he comes by I promise.)

The real reason I’m doing this is just to prove I can.

I live a very blissful, sheltered life with a husband who was my high school sweetheart and parents who still reside 20 houses away. I went to college with people I’d known since elementary school and got married shortly after graduation. So you see, I’ve never been wild and crazy and taken a leap into wildly unchartered, unknown territory. That’s what this is right? I mean… there will be bugs? And packs of “literally on the verge of being clinically insane’ women. And I mean… it’s CALIFORNIA. Those of you who are lifelong east coasters will understand that just going to the wild west is like leaving the country…

I guess some women like me decide to go off and have a mid-life awakening (I refuse to call this a crisis) by going on safari in Africa or doing mission work in South America. Me? I’m gonna sit on a sidewalk in one of the largest cities in the country.
I’m a trail blazer I tell you.

I am not going to lie and say I am not nervous about this. From the chatter on the blogs and twitter for the past month there seem to be a million rules governing this shin-dig. From what I can tell very few of the rules are from Summit – lots seem to be created by what I am going to call the fangirlmafia. It seems in years past there was some stampeding. And line jumping? And perhaps a few people who touched The Pretty’s hair.

My biggest goal is to stay outta the Twifan Mafioso’s line of fire, I am far more afraid of them then I am of Summit. (Wait. Maybe they are undercover agents that Summit has sent out into the fandom to secretly control us all… You know Summit and their ‘vast-right-wing-PR-Loving-Plots’ (sarcastic grin at the delusional nonnies among us) – they might be smart enough to dream that kind of undercover shit up….

Yeah. Right., I don’t believe it either. But let’s see if the nonnies start running with that conspiracy theory. They all think Summit is staffed by geniuses.

Right after he stopped laughing at my tent, Mr Pea (who is a saint among men for taking off a week from work to watch my 7 year old twins – an adventure all it’s own) kept repeatedly saying, ‘You’re going to do all this… JUST to see someone for 5 minutes?’
And that very question being repeated over and over made me think of what I really WANT out of this. SO here it is.

I want to see the faces of some of the lovely ladies I have spent most of my nights with (and ok,… plenty of unproductive days too) for the last year. I want to hug them and squeeze them and see if I can get thoroughly confused trying to play the ultimate game of Memory as I try to match up real names with twitter ID’s.

I want to prove I’m not a wuss. I can fly 3000 miles across the county all by myself. Manage to navigate LAX with exactly 3 suitcases (I shit you not), 1 laptop bag and 1 purse that is crammed so full it won’t go on my shoulder.

I want to take the famous AiT finger puppets for a grand adventure and see how many compromising pictures I can take of knitward trying to get with yarnella. (I’m taking requests…)

I want to see the bubble first hand. I would forgo an autograph or a picture if it meant I could stand in person and watch those two eye fuck each other for 5 minutes. The pictures of the eyefucking at the Eclipse premiere is what drew me out of being just a regular fan into this crazy vortex of madness.

And oddly, while I want to see The Pretty up close to judge whether the fuckhawtness is real… more than anything I am looking forward to seeing Kristen in person. I can’t help it. I have a strange fascination with her as all my besties know. She is one of the first people I have ever actually admired. And I don’t mean in that Krisbian sorta way that my husband secretly likes to imagine… I mean in that ‘she’s taught me to be a stronger woman’ way.

So here I go world. Off to practice being that stronger woman. Off to conquer this thing. And, hopefully, live to tell about it.

I really hope the bugs aren’t big.

Won’t the mafia ladies have big guns that can overpower them?

My Ode To Tropic of Virgo and Normal Girls Like Me Everywhere

I am not a risk taker by nature. I don’t bungee jump. I don’t ride roller coasters. I don’t even step on cracks in sidewalks. For me reading is where I get the adrenaline of a great adventure.

Is there any better feeling than being so captivated by a story it sucks you right out of your own shoes and puts you in the soles of another? It like standing on the precipice of a world you can’t see, but can easily imagine. I love sitting, leisurely dangling my feet over the edge, enjoying the view.

I wax poetic about this because for the past five days I have been staring off into the lyrical abyss that is Tropic of Virgo. Awhile back the Twilighted muse @emmward mentioned in passing her love of this story. I had forgotten about it somewhere between reading the TaraSueMe trilogy and a fun fic about pennies and nickles*. But, a random note flitting across my Timeline caught my eye a dozen nights ago and somehow it called out to me again. Download me to your Nook…now!!
When I read I have a general rule: authors have 75 pages to win my loyalty. If I am not bound and determined to flip to page 76, I blow a goodbye kiss and ride off into the starry night.

This story had me on page 2.

By the third chapter, I had an overwhelming need to seek out the author. My fangirl gene is dominant, as you all well know, and I wanted to slobber on her a bit. It saddened me to find the account for @in.a.blue.bathrobe no longer exists.
I am late to this party – so I know nothing of this author and don’t know what made her jump over the edge and leave us. But I am grateful that at least she sat for a while amongst us. And so grateful that she left behind her work, etched out so those remaining could enjoy it long after she’d departed.

Every now and then you come across someone who can write words so powerfully they take ordinary, everyday actions and make them poetic , extraordinary experiences. Eating an apple, listening to music, pulling a ribbon from a girl’s hair. I have read thousands of pages in the last year, many of them full of lemons, some so strong they make me blush. But, I don’t think I’ve ever read anything more erotic than the way this author describes a boy simply watching a girl he loves sleep.

The beauty of reading exceptional writing is it elevates the way you view the common things around you. When you step back down off the precipice and are back in your own 3 dimensional universe (because say…your kids just pummeled each other or your husband wants dinner), you look at things differently. Today, I’ve found myself staring at clouds in a blue sky and the string beans my children planted from seeds and having deep, fruity thoughts that normally I would never take even 30 seconds to complete.

A great author’s gift extends beyond the mere entertainment value of the page, it makes the view of your own world more vibrant. Do author’s realize they have this power? Surely not or they’d all be ego maniacs?

I am constantly amazed by how much raw talent there is in this little community of ours. To the outside world we are just like Bella describes herself in this story. Ordinary girls. We are just someone’s daughter, sister, mother, wife, girlfriend. We are that girl with the plain brown hair pushing a grocery cart through a super market with double ply paper towels and fat free yogurt.

We live happy, yet unspectacular lives. We fangirl and marvel from afar over people who we think are extraordinary, but who earned that ranking probably in large part because they were in the right place at the right time or were born into the right family.

Not because they are truly that different from us.

Under the guise of our ordinary lives, there is spectacular talent amongst us. I’ve seen the edited tape, read the words, seen the art work, laughed at the jokes. It’s there. Underneath a pile of dirty laundry or the store bought dye that takes away our gray.

If someone drew back the red velvet curtain and shined a spotlight on it, or photographed it, photoshopped it and put it on the cover of a magazine, there are many amongst us who would transform from ordinary to spectacularly extraordinary overnight. @in.a.blue.bathrobe is one of them.

Her story made me think about the ‘ordinariness’ that surrounds us. Her Bella’s online user id is ‘Ordinary_Girl’, but like the author herself, the character has an amazing talent that had gone untapped. We watch her Bella transform from the shadows to center stage. All of this reminded me of one of my favorite lines in my bestie @eveningrainjlho’s fic Sexy Silk. Her Edward asks her Bella what kind of life she wants. ‘A life less ordinary’ she answers.

It seems to be a common yearning. I see this happening with my own daughter. Much to my husband’s chagrin, the fangirl gene it seems does not skip a generation. She flits about her room all day making up dance routines and singing off key to the soundtrack of High School Musical. If I’d let her she’d dye her magnificent blonde hair brown just so she could look like Selena. She dreams out loud of being a ‘super star.’

Maybe we are all ordinary girls who never grew out of our girlish dreams of those ‘less ordinary’ lives. Maybe that’s why we are all such fic h00rs. The adventure of reading takes us out of the kitchen and office cubicle and puts us anywhere we want to be.

All of these deep thoughts make me ponder how it feels to be Kristen, standing on the other side of the fence, living an extraordinary life. The gray strands playing peekaboo in my hair tell me the grass usually looks much greener from the other curb. My guess is she still feels like an ordinary girl when she looks in the mirror to brush her teeth. It’s probably not till she makes it down to her curb each day, and hears pap’s motor drives and our squealing, that she’s reminded she’s not. But, as we sit dangling our legs over the edge of the cliff and day dreaming about living spectacularly on her side of the street, I kinda bet she’s at home fantasizing of going to buy paper towels and yogurt without anyone watching.

I also think it would be fascinating to spend a day picking through Stephenie’s brain. Once upon a time she sat on her bed with her laptop typing out words on a programmed white page just like I’m writing this now. I wonder how it felt. Did the buzzer on the dryer interrupt her while she was writing the scene in Biology. How many times does she pinch herself when she opens her door each day and realizes how her tiny words touched off this massive avalanche. I wonder if the marvel of it has worn off for her and if so when did it happen? Or is it still like a shiny new penny? I walked into Toys R Us today and happened to see an Edward doll on the shelf. (No, I didn’t buy it.) How does it feel to her when she walks into any store, in any town, in any country and sees the characters her mind conjured up during her children’s nap time splashed across the shelf?

I hope it’s still surreal. It would make me sad if it’s not.

She was one of us. Somehow, her velvet curtain was lifted and she was invited to the other side of the street. I guess my point in all this is as I sit here on our patch of cement looking at all my twi-sisters beside me, I can’t help thinking there are so many of you who I think deserve to have our young fantasies of ‘super stardom’ come true.
I wish there was a street corner I could run to, to track down in.a.blue.bathrobe. Because I would take a camera and pap some pictures of her to splash across your screen.

I don’t know where you are lovely lady. I hope somewhere with an editor and a publishing deal. But your words move me. Your story beguiles me and I have 75 blissful pages left. (I love a story you want to read slowly because you never want it to end.) For some mentally-health-challenged reason, I felt the need to write this: You are not an ordinary girl – whether you’re wearing your bathrobe or not – you deserve to be sitting on the other side of the road…and there are so many other ladies in this ‘family’ who should be holding your hand and walking across with you…

With great admiration for all the authors and artists in this fandom,
- The Very Ordinary Twopeas1pod.

*The ’pennies and nickles’ reference is to the fic Fridays At Noon by @troublefollows1017. It will make you look at the change in your wallet and smile. Sexy Silk by @eveningrainjlho (jlho on ffnet) will make you want to say fuuuuuuck and buy tulips. She is brilliant. These two fics and Tropic of Virgo by the talented @in.a.blue.bathrobe can all be found on fanfiction.net. I hope you enjoy dangling your feet over the edge while reading all three of them…

***Author's Note: After originally posting this long-winded silliness, the lovely in.a.blue.bathrode. came out of self-imposed twitter exile and was lovely enough to send me a little tweet. Her twitter id is different than her author name. She mentioned that she was taking a break and living a bit of the hermit life right now, so I am not going to post her actual twitter name out of respect for her privacy. But I did get the chance to slobber on her a bit with a few fangirl replies. Slobbering made my day =) ***

My High Maintenance Love Letter To Bill Condon.

Dear Bill Condon,

You don’t know me. And actually, I don’t know you. In fact, I had to IMDB you today to see where you’ve been all my life.

I saw Chicago once. That’s about as close as we’ve ever come to bumping into one another. I didn’t see Dream Girls or Gods and Monsters. But, I haven’t been too far under a rock, I had at least heard of them both. I think I did watch that Academy Awards show you worked on in 2009.

So given the fact that we clearly have just met, I hope it doesn’t surprise you to know that I am seriously, undeniably in love with you right now.

I’ve spent the better part of the last two days completely ignoring my husband and two kids, the laundry -which I keep trying to tell to fold it’s damn self, my garden - which is willowing under this thing Jim Cantore is calling Heat Dome and my own appetite - which is pissed at me because I don’t wanna take time to eat. I’ve done all this because I simply can’t stop watching and reading interviews from Comic Con 2011. The amount of footage is a bit overwhelming. This morning, after I engaged in some domestic violence with my alarm clock, I managed to check my twitter @’s before even climbing out of bed. And there it was. No. Not the infamous 2^nd clip you’re holding out from us…This interview:

http://blogs.indiewire.com/thompsononhollywood/2011/07/21/comic-con_bill_condon_talks_twilight_breaking_dawn_horror_rating_intensity/

And, although you mighta had me at that Thanksgiving still of Kristen’s handful of feathers, this interview has had me sqeeeing all day. (You don’t need to Wikipedia it. Sqeeeing is that sound you might typically hear when Rob walks into a room with 2 or more humans with only X chromosomes. If you’re still unsure, call Catherine. Like you said, she thinks like a teenage girl, she can demonstrate it for you.)

The way you talk about this film… I can feel your connection to it. It’s evident you are one of those deep cerebral thinkers who has to delve into things. My god, no wonder Kristen and Rob obviously adore you. You’re a cerebral geek like them!

I’m a little shamelessly thrilled at your adapted screenwriting creds. To write a screenplay and really nail it you have to be a person who can take a book and whittle it down to what really matters. What tells the tale. You have to examine the characters and know them inside and out. You've got to be careful to hit all the big plot points while also being careful not to lose important small details. And while we fans know we are still saddled with Melissa (sorry chicka, you cut my ‘I expected the wrath of the grizzlies…’ scene out of Eclipse. You can’t be forgiven) dubbing over Stephenie’s fade to black, I am totally enamored with how you talk about the story. You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what makes these people tick and what the story is really all about.

Wow. Another thing we have in common. How have we not met before?

I am not afraid to admit hearing you use the word ‘potent’ to describe the honeymoon and birth does things to my girly bits. And when you say you wanted to ‘play’ with us fans... oh Billy Bill.

Bring it.

Has the Summit Exec who lurked our ring whining on twitter while you were shooting in Brazil also told you how much we like to play!? Perhaps you’ve heard the game we prefer is Twister?

The way you talk about Kristen… *sigh* I talk about her with the same reverence in my voice. And the fact that you see how intertwined she is with this character and how much she’s matured. ..wait. Didn’t I just stay up till 2am last night musing about that very thought? *Doing that double ‘point to my eyes and then yours’ thing.*

Winning over my love was not going to be an easy feat for you. You see I am a huge fan of the adorkable Chris Weitz. I might have even surmised once or twice during pre-production that I wish he’d come back to work on this film. But knowing what I know now, I am so glad you are running this joint.

I love the way you talk about giving in to our demands for the rings. (Oh, I see you Summit… we know you’re out there behind our twitter pages watching our every move and pulling our strings like we’re marionettes. Don’t’ you have someone to try to sue today? Ok, I admit, that chick deserved it.) So Bill, since we’re talking demands, have you heard mention of the fact that we want an unrated Director’s cut version of the DVD? Both you and Kristen and Rob keep mentioning how you shot everything ‘all the way’ and this is truly a horror film. Yeah…. We’re gonna need proof of that to believe you. So you just fork over all the film and we’ll be happy. See, while you seem very at ease about that meeting you have with the ratings board next week, it has us shaking in our Converse. We want it all. Rob said the whole house falls down. We wanna see that. We’re all kinda freaky chicks, so we want to see Rob rip that baby out with his teeth too. Trust me, we’ll all think it’s hawt in some way. (Oh, hawt means hot to us. You know, as in good looking?) So if Stephenie has already paid off the censors to cockblock our asses, we want to opportunity to see just how far you really went…

I’ll leave you alone now cause clearly you have more important things to be doing than reading this love note. I just needed to let you know how I feel. Look for me out in LA amongst the hordes of smelly women lining the red carpet at the premiere. I’ll be easy to spot. I’ll be the chick in a sea of Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts wearing the one that says ‘Team Bill Condon’.

With love,

Twopeas.

PS – I am pretty sure there are a few people I know who would trade sexual favors if you would talk Summit into releasing that 2^nd clip from Comic Con. There’s many I know who might trade their first born. I know you think I’m kidding.

I’m not.

The World's Biggest Twilight Fan... All Grown Up

Where were you between the ages of 17 and 21?

Every now and then I find myself pondering my own life between those years . At 17, I was a punkass kid who didn’t know jackshit. At 21, I was a punkass adult, who still didn’t know jackshit, but could drink booze and was wise enough to look back at that 17-year-old-self and realize she was an idiot.

Those years are so transformative.

My *cough* 35-year-old-self looks back at them and realizes how much that journey truly shaped the course my entire life has taken. Those experiences between punkass-kid and punkass-adult make you who are and what you will become.

And, these days, it’s that notion that makes me ponder deep thoughts every time I watch Kristen.

Twilight has been her ‘college’. She’s moved from that teenage girl who giggled her way through those first Twilight Tuesdays to a woman who’s one of the top paid actresses in tinsel town. And, she’s done it all under the lens of a microscope so powerful I can’t even imagine it.

Her ‘performance’ today at her 3^rd Comic Con was so startlingly different to the two that came before it, I can’t help wanting to stand up and clap for her like a mother sitting in the audience watching to her child march by to Pomp & Circumstance.

Please don’t get me wrong, through all her awkwardness of previous interviews, I have always thought Kristen had eloquent ideas and thoughts about these stories and her character. It’s just always taken a little patience and understanding to listen to her share those thoughts.

But today she seemed all grown up. Yes, the leg still bounced. Yes, her hair still calls out for her hands to run through it. She even poked fun at her own awkwardness. But, there was nothing awkward about her answers and to me the message she’s always sent was finally so clear, I hope every person in this fandom finally got it.

She is one of us.

Bill Condon confirmed what I’ve been thinking for so long. “There is no bigger fan of Twilight than Kristen. She's always there like, "I know what it felt like when I read this the first time."

For me, the most epic moment of the day was not the 20 fail-seconds of a black screen with quiet-sexing music playing during the painful livestream of Bill C’s second clip. (Although sweet baby jesus, I am sitting here still awake because if that clip doesn’t get hacked and posted on twitter soon I’m gonna lose my faith in the ninja skills of this fandom). What struck me the deepest, was Kristen answering @Taryder’s question during the first press conference.

Q: “Breaking Dawn was an emotional journey. What was it like filming for months, and how did everything that happens to Bella effect you personally?”

A: “This one really is loaded with cathartic, impactful huge life moments and they're not all fantasy. They're very rooted in a reality that I can completely see myself in. Anyone who reads the book can imagine them in it themselves. I can't let the book punch me in the face every morning. You have to let the moments happen. And they did. And we just went for it. A lot of it. I feel it was very, very close to the book…”

At the heart of Kristen Stewart is a Twilight fan.

Somewhere between wrapping up with her high school tutor and becoming legal to drink a beer, she managed to remain the ‘linchpin’ holding this all together. Sure, I don’t think she’d spend hours on end giggling about sparkly peens on twitter like the rest of us… but she gets it.

She’s always gotten it.

I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the journey that Bella took in Stefenie Meyer’s head. A lot of people outside our little world think Twilight is a fluffy love story with some blood suckers and overgrown puppies. But to me it’s always been about Bella. It’s about the journey a girl takes to becoming a woman. A strong woman who can face what life throws at her head on and is so powerful in her own skin she’s not afraid of what lies ahead. She’ll protect what’s hers at any cost.

So when she answered today it struck me. My god. How could Kristen not feel close to the book? For many of us, we love this shit because we see ourselves walking in Bella’s shoes. We see what we went through in those transformative years. And I think Kristen must too. Because, although she has only gotten hitched and popped out a baby on a set, in a lot of ways it’s still reflective of her own real life journey.

She started this thing out a punkass 17 year old kid. She spent the whole first Comic Con looking like a deer caught in headlights. She stumbled over every other word and looked like she had to stare at Rob in order to cling to something that would keep her from melting into a puddle of nerves on the floor. Her second Comic Con she seemed more badass (thanks Joan Jett mullet), maybe a little more comfortable in her skin, but there was still that ‘melt into the floor’ quality. (She did of course still stare back at Rob. Lordy, the eyesexing at the New Moon CC is legendary in my mind.)

But today she seemed so incredibly at ease. She knew what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it. Obviously, there was still adorkableness. But if she completely lost that I would mourn it’s passing.

She showed her deep passion for this film. She showed her passion for doing this whole thing justice. And while I think she’s shown that time and time again, today it seemed like she finally felt comfortable expressing it.

Like she wanted to be there to celebrate it.

She seemed like a powerful woman to me. Ready to face the world instead of fearing it.

When filming ended, I pondered a lot about how it must’ve felt for her. Shooting that wedding scene must have felt like a graduation in so many ays. She’s literally grown up with Twilight. Like Bella, she is now this more powerful, confident being. She knows who she is and what she has and wants to protect.

I’m old enough to know that while she is wise beyond her years, she too will probably look back 14 years from now (shit, how am I that much older than her, 21 seems like yesterday) and think she was such a punkass. But punkass or not, our girl has transformed.

I kinda can’t wait to watch her spread her wings.

I’ve told a lot of people if there was one person I could sit down and have lunch with in this world it would be Kristen. I think it would be amazing to sit and ponder deep thoughts about these characters with her. And I doubt, other than Stephenie and maybe Melissa, there is another person on the planet who knows them so well. When Kristen speaks about her character, I think she sounds proud of the journey Bella takes. Today, in an interview, she called Bella a ‘keeper’.

Well, today I was so proud of the journey Kristen has taken while wearing Bella’s shoes. And in my mind Kristen is without a doubt a keeper.

-twopeas…

PS: And if she ever does wanna sit down and talk sparkle peen… I’m gonna still be here waiting… I’ll even pick up the lunch tab.

PPS: At 17, I was in love with a boy. At 21, I was still in love with that boy. At 23, I married him and at 28 we had some beautiful babies together. So is it wrong of me to hope that while our girl continues to grow up –maybe she’ll decide to hold onto her boy too. That would make me even prouder than I was of her today.

PPSS: Honey, throw your shield up around your man and your dog and don’t let the evil world inside...

Sunday Funday: Fangirl Heaven

It has taken me a week. A whole entire week to bring my heart rate down from the epicness that was June 4^th.

Known to me now as Sunday-Fangirl-Heaven.

It might have taken that long to settle the pounding in my chest because I simply can’t stop watching replays. I vacillate between the beauty of the 1 minute 59 seconds of the teaser trailer and my Tivo’d two hours of the ridiculously hilarious 2011 Robert Pattinson Movie Awards. I mean… the 2011 MTV Movie Awards.

It seems almost too good to be true that the Fangirl Gods bestowed both to us on the same day….

Forget Edward and Jacob – there’s a whole new team in town…

TEAM BILL CONDON. *Running to CafePress to have tshirts made up. Who wants one?*

I’m going to admit, I’ve been worried. There are so many ways we could get let down. Lord knows screwing things up is one of Scummit’s specialties. It’s written once again by Melissa “I decided to COMBINE the leg hitch and ring scenes in Eclipse" Rosenberg. (Yes, I’m still bitter she cut out my favorite
line from the book. “I was all braced for the wrath that was going to put grizzlies to shame, and this is what I get?”) And of course, much as we have
all lamented, it’s saddled with a mother fucking PG-13 rating. How do you make vampsex PG-13? Even Rob has voiced his doubts.

There are just so many places where Breaking Dawn could go awry… But from the moment Bill Condon lit up my Thanksgiving Day with Kristen’s handful of feathers – I have remained hopeful.

Maybe he gets it??

Around 3pm last Sunday, as my twitter @s were spinning with ‘OMFG’s and ‘Ded’s’, I once again felt that hopeful spark.

Wow. Just wow. It’s 1:59 of restoring my faith.

I might have even shouted out: ‘They might just get this one right!’ a couple times. But, that was after I regained the ability to form a coherent sentence.

I’ve now watched the thing on loop 75 times. Well ok. I don’t even watch the whole thing anymore cause I could give a rats ass about watching Aro open the invite. And I feel no need to continually watch TayTay take off his shirt and become furry.

I skip right to :50. *sigh*. That’s where the epicness begins.

The wedding. My god. I think we all might be more nervous about this fucker than most of us old married ladies were about our own blessed day! I will tell you this. If I could go back and do my own nuptials over again, I’d take the florist a picture of the Breaking Dawn wedding set and say, ‘I want this. Go.’

It’s breathtaking. Then you add Rob in tails and Kristen with her doe-eyed-brown Bella lenses and you have ‘Sweet baby Jesus!’ status.

“No measure of time with you would be long enough, but we’ll start with forever.”

How am I’m going to sit through 2 hours of this without having heart palpitations. My checklist for opening night now includes a rolling suitcase with a canister of oxygen, a drool bucket and those heart paddle thingies they use on all the doctor shows.

And just when I’m already thinking my heart is gonna come out of my chest…. Big Bill C gives it to us. If there is a 13 year old next to you cover
her eyes – cause Billy unleashed the headboard!

In fact, it appears he’s gonna break the whole damn bed with Rob’s rippling back muscles and thrusting pelvis to guide the way. And this is just the fucking TEASER trailer?

Can you imagine what he’ll hit us with in the long form!

Oh shut up, I know you people have been imagining that all week long. Right after you starred at the gif of the back muscles on someone’s tumblr. And please don’t try to tell me you don’t think that’s really Rob. (Inserts my fingers in my ears, ‘Lalalalalalalalala’.)

And suddenly I’m adding a case of Depends to that theatre checklist because the wetness left behind on my seat might be embarrassing!

Bill C told us he wasn’t gonna sugar coat things. He said they were gonna take things ‘right to the edge’. I believe he even forewarned us the world might not be ready for it. And holy mother of God he was right.

From what he’s shown us thus far I am impressed. The scenery looks awe inspiring, the costumes and makeup look less ‘comical’ and more dramatic, the hot factor is there. By golly, it actually looks like the reports are true. Scummit might truly have forked over a little more of their lunch money to make this movie! Guess they did finally decide to let a director do the books justice instead of trying to be cheap and then squeeze as much as they could out of us.

Right after I went to surf Café Press for a ‘Team Bill Condon’ tshirt – I came back to this thought. Everyone was so worried that we would be ruined by all the leaks. Not. Even. Close. Seeing the scenes rolling before me in crystal clear high def gave me chills. Like prickly, tingles up the arms, goosebumps freaking out on the flesh… chills.

I am more excited for this movie now than ever before. And I believe Big Bill might have already etched himself onto my permanent list of fangirl-worthiness.

Of course the remainder of Sunday-Fangirl-Heaven was brought to us by another member of that list. I have previously mused about Kstew’s big ‘Fuck it’… last Sunday night was without a doubt Rob’s turn.

Stewie mentions on the Eclipse ‘Comentree’ that fans are getting a good ‘dose’ of Rpatz. Well I gotta say his grumbling about In & Out overdose was NOTHING compared to the potty-mouthed, adorkably unprepared Rob who showed up and completely stole the show.

There was lots of talk on twitter about possible alcohol consumption. Ok, I’ll fess up. I might’ve tweeted ‘Dean how many shots did you
let him do in the car?’ once or twice myself. Somewhere right around when Kristen was second-hand embarrassedly hiding her face and saying ‘oh no’…

But in all honesty, I don’t really think booze was the culprit. I think ‘AreUDrunkRob’ might be the real ‘class clown’ we don’t get to see in full effect too often. I think he might have actually just been saying, ‘I haven’t had a day off in like 9 months… I’m here with my girl. She looks hawt. Let’s get this fucker over with so I can get back to Chateau Marmont already… ‘ I mean let’s face it… the MMA’s aren’t exactly the Oscars. Was anyone gonna get offended if a few f-bombs dropped? Don’t f-bombs sound classy in British anyway?

My biggest chuckle came from the fact that his ‘fuck’ seemed to be the only one that slipped past the sensors sitting in the production trailer. Everyone else got bleeped. Rob. Not so much. My guess is the sensors were all women and were too mesmerized to respond quickly enough.

My first reaction to best kiss: Suck that Potter fans!

Lol. Sorry, no offense to those of you who straddle both fandoms. I just refused to allow them to beat us. The way that reporter dude kept taunting us at the show’s opening saying Potter & Bieber fans were trending way more than us – well that just pissed me off. You trend all you want fuckers – we’re gonna sweep this. That’s what I kept praying would happen.

Again. Fangirl Gods did not let us down.

My second reaction to the kiss: Holy shit! They actually came up with a plan!
And it worked!

I can’t decide which part I loved more. Her calling him ‘honey’ in front of the world or him grabbing her like a caveman to ‘take her backstage’.

Oh to be a fly on that wall…

I know the rest of the world used our ‘sweep’ to make light of the MMAs. They turn it into the More Twilight Awards.

Well you know what I have to say to that world…

You better go and youtube that teaser trailer… cause next year – we’re coming right back to do it all over again… and I’ll be watching in
my new Bill C tshirt.

....I'll Post A Pic Later. Yeah, Right.

Another day, another random person, with a nonexistent tweet count, saying they just saw something they probably didn’t see. Claiming to have pictures they definitely don’t have. And will never, ever produce.

Even when they ‘finally get home.’

Who are these fakers? And why can’t they come up with a better hobby? It’s like twitter is a one trick pony lately. Honestly, if you’re like me, you’re so far behind in catching up on all the WFE press that a few days without any Robsten news really won’t send you over the edge at this point.

And truly, can we be too upset about not getting a real 25th bday sighting? Did you see the ElleUK outtakes? Yeah. If you were Rob what would you have asked for, for your birthday? Exactly…. It wouldn’t have involved leaving the house. Just sayin’.

I don’t understand the motivation behind these people who feel the need to make stuff up? Do they just wake up one day and say, ‘I think I’ll pretend I just saw Rob and Kristen!’?

I’ve seen it surmised that they are trying to score more followers? Did I miss the memo that states you should stake your self-worth on how many followers you have on twitter? Have you ever actually clicked on the follower lists of those folks who have 1000+ ‘friends’. Those lists are chock full of religious freaks, pornstar spammers and people trying to convince you to visit their website.

Want more followers? Tweet oh my God! or Sweet Baby Jesus a lot. I always seem to end up with more followers after I amp up the use of those phrases. They attract the ‘Christian Coalition of XXX’ and ‘BigDebbieDoesXXX’ real fast.

Why do these people need more twitter followers anyway? They want more people to care what they just ate for lunch or what made them ‘unf’ or ‘fml’? I think I’d rather only have 10 people who I truly adore and who make me laugh on a daily basis, than 1000 people I barely know RTing my bullshit all day.

I’ve heard the other hypothesis is this is being done by nonstens trying to rally around a dying cause. But honestly, at this point, nonstens are a dying bread that isn’t even worth mentioning because really??? Really??

*Insert eye roll here*

It’s time for them to raise the white flag and surrender. Way past time actually. I see lots of friends in my TL discussing daily the rambling idiocy of the few remaining nonbelievers. But honestly, I can’t even deal with talking about these people for more than 5 seconds because it’s just a level of delusional denial that isn’t worth my time and energy. At this point, I think those people are like the little kid on the playground who is just trying to be obnoxious by saying the opposite of what’s true.

“No! The sky is not blue! It’s green!”

With that kid I find it best to just pat them on the head and let them run off and play with their imaginary friends… that’s how I feel about the nonstens. Just seclude them in their own bubble and ignore them completely. I guess it wouldn’t really surprise me if the fakers all turned out to be members of the retreating nonsten army. Obviously they’re all idiots and these fake sightings are idiocy. So maybe they do go together.

It’s not just the motivation behind these fabrications that gets me riled up. The MO for these ‘sightings’ also has me troubled.

Who are these people and what the hell kinda technology are they sporting?

They all seem to follow the same pattern: Make up sighting. Say OMG a handful of times till someone retweets you. Wait for the chain reaction to occur so people take notice. Then stick it to everyone: ‘Oh! I got pics! Will upload as soon as I get home! Don’t know when that will be though! I’m at my sister’s husband’s mother’s boyfriend’s house right now!’

Mmmmkay. And he doesn’t have a computer?

And what the fuck did they take the picture on anyway? A 1980’s Sony camcorder than they need to take home and put in a converter on their Betamax ? (The 20somethings reading this don’t even know what the hell I just said! Trust us 30somethings you’re glad you missed it.)

Much to Rob and Kristen’s chagrin, this is the ‘AOTCP’: Age Of The Camera Phone. If you really saw someone and were hiding in the bushes, like half of them claim, would you be hoisting a 10 pound camera outta your bag or popping out your iPhone and clicking away while you pretended to be texting?

Exactly. Me too.

And the last time you took a picture of your kids/pet/vacation/bestie/significantother how long did it take you to snap the shot and then upload right from your phone to everyone you know, on every form of social media you’re attached to? 30 seconds? Maaaybe 40 if your thumbs were sore and working slowly that day?

It’s called: www.twitpic.com . There’s an App for that! And, it’s easy to use!

Where do these people live? Are we meant to believe they’ve never heard of 3G or Wi-fi? Are they the 2 people left on the planet using dialup? (Again, I just lost the 20somethings with that reference. Trust the 30somethings, you’re really glad you missed out on that. *Shaking myself to get the sound of “wheeeeesh, ding, ding, ding” outta my head*).

Perhaps these fabricators need an example of how a real sighting should sound? So for just a moment I’m gonna close my eyes and be a faker. Here is how I would sound if I really did see Rob and Kristen out walking Bear:

“OMG! Ded! Just saw R&K! She is even more beautiful in person. He is so fucking hawt!”

And now… I do actually understand the delay in pics – but here is the only legitimate and classy reason why:

“Wow, just wow. Got a quick pic, not gonna load till little later. Don’t wanna give away location while they’re still here.”
I should have prefaced my fakery with the caveat: This would never happen to me in real life because in the real world I would be frozen to the spot. My brain would disconnect from my body and I would be way too shy to dive in the bushes and whip out my iPhone. So the moment would pass me by so fast I’d still be left standing there wondering if I just had an out of body experience long after Bear had taken his dump and Rob and Kristen had faded back into the dark ninja hideout from which they came. But the difference between me and the fakers: I would put my big girl panties on and admit it. I wouldn’t fake the picture I didn’t get.
Kristen and Rob’s ability to move about the world in stealth fashion, even when they are being hunted like those poor kids in the Hunger Games, endlessly impresses me. (Come on now – you gotta admit to wondering how the hell she got outta the Caribbean without anyone papping her! Girlfriend should be giving an honorary Bachelor of Science in Stealth.) So maybe I’ve actually been looking at these fakers all wrong? I guess perhaps it is a compliment. Rob and Kristen are so accomplished at not being seen, people have taken to actually making up their outings rather than waiting for the real thing?

I think I’m one of those delusional people who doesn’t need to know what they are doing every damn day. I don’t need proof of their happy. I’ve seen it enough. It’s stored in my head and can be accessed whenever need be during periods of ‘drought’. Not to mention you know we’ve all right-click-saved enough we have hard drives full of ‘happy’…

I don’t know what Toronto holds in store for us this summer. Hopefully, it won’t be as bleak as Baton Rouge. (I remain convinced that the entire state of Louisiana must not have a single AT&T store, because those people all clearly have not entered AotCP with the rest of us! Or maybe they’re all just like me and were rooted to the spot?) But alas, if I have to choses, I’ll take stealthy silence over all these fakers telling us they just got to smoke a cigarette with Kristen in a town she’s not even in, on a street corner she’s never even seen.

So this is my message to all you fakers out there: Go treat yourself to a 3G camera phone. Google the term Wi-fi and then get a life.

Actually. Reverse that order. Just go get a life.