First, we are all such lemmings. Every year some idiot marketing guy for the production company puts them on the list of red carpet walkers. And every year we struggle to sit through an hour of blurry, streaming live feeds full of some overly giggly, horribly bedazzled hostess who feels the need to mispronounce celeb’s names while simultaneously gushing all over them like a 13 year old. Every year people. We fall for it. *SMH*.
If you Tivo’ed the shit or just decided to touch up your roots or clean out your oven last night instead – count yourself out of this lemmings category and pat yourself on the back three times.
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| A better way to spend your time... |
Demi Lovato got some award for making our ears bleed.
That chick from Glee won something so apparently their 15 minutes still aren’t up.
Emma Stone won two awards we all thought she should win.
Some 14 year old kid beat the Potter people for some award I can’t even remember.
Ellen won after they played the clip of her telling Rob she’s not Team Edward.
That other chick from Glee did a skit with a cardboard placard version of The Trinity (this was that marketing guy’s way of including Kristen in the evening… and I guess Taylor too cause although they said he was attending, I sure as hell never saw him or his abs.)
An idiot stylist somehow managed to find the one dress in this world that made Ashley Greene look really bad (Girlfriend has a rocking body, but that leather-lace-ruffle thing was just fulgy and wrong on so many levels. I hope someone got fired over that shit today.)
And then… over an hour into the snoozefest ‘people in the know’ began saying a certain someone had snuck in the side door. It reminded me of that scene in Pretty in Pink where a begrudgingly disappointed Molly Ringwald quietly exclaims, ‘He showed.’
So I was thinking at this point the only way to salvage the night would be for epic MTV-Movie-Award-like drunk-nervous-Rob-wordvomit. But alas… Rob managed to stir things up without even opening his mouth.
He showed up in his perennial black jeans, navy blue button up and baseball hat. I am pretty sure this outfit has not left his body in 2 months, it *might* be time to raid Kristen’s closet and get this boy back a few more of his shirts… just sayin’. Nick was once again serving as his arm candy. From the looks of the pictures, he managed to sit down and charm almost-90 year old Betty White without giving her a stroke. And then… he took off the hat.
Hairgate ensued.
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| I don't think Nick liked his date paying so much attention to the hottie sitting on the other side... |
So because I am the curious sort, with a wildly ridiculous imagination that spends way too many hours contemplating shit that is really none of my business, I started to ponder how it all went down. I have settled on something somewhere along the lines of these two possibilities.
Option 1: The man is on vacation. Rob doesn’t always appear to want to shower when he’s working. So I gotta believe that this very well deserved sabbatical is involving a whole lotta couch time with his dog and honeys (Kristen, his guitar, a good book, junk food and beer). Who has time for washing hair and shaving? Pfffft. This is so much easier. No hair up top, scruffy beard all over face. You wake up, roll outta bed, let the dog out, rub your head, scratch your ass, pull on the shirt you threw on the floor last night. Morning routine done. You’re ready to rock the couch for the rest of the day.
Option 2: His ears hurt. Bad. Having witnessed the decibel level that greeted him when he walked the BD1 black carpet, I can sympathize with this hypothesis. I don’t know how he doesn’t have permanent hearing loss after going through that every time he leaves the house. For years. It’s gotta wear on you. So I can somehow see the guy standing in front of the mirror yesterday and saying, “Maybe if I shave my head they’ll leave me alone and go fuck with Efron or that Liam Hemsworth dude. *Chuckle.* That fucker has no idea what he’s in for in March.” And then, after making a few funny faces to himself in the mirror, he just goes for it.
If Option 2 was the real reason, I feel even more sorry for him now. Five seconds after some fans began donning all black and the Lion Hair obituaries started posting, there were the inevitable sqeees from those ‘adoring fans’ professing their undying love of the ‘new do’. *SMH *. The boy just can’t win. Maybe he should try dyeing it green? Or get a nose ring?
Nope. I’m pretty sure there are a subset of people in this fandom who would be turned on by that shit too.
So here’s my thing. It’s hair. His hair. He should do with it as he pleases. The reason I dig the guy is he doesn’t give a shit. So how can I hate on him for taking away our ability to RAWR like lions?
I can’t.
Lots of people in Hollywood spend a whole lotta time listening endlessly to trainers and stylists and gurus who tell them how to dress and how to walk and what to eat and when to smile and how to smile and when to fart and who to fart near. Rob doesn’t appear to have any of those people. And if he does, he sure as fuck isn’t listening to them. I like that.
No. I love that.
I’m not gonna lie and say I’m totally in love with the little baby peach fuzz all over his head. And, if you know me at all, you already know how I feel about the AmishRob beard he likes to sport. But seriously, if he’s happy…it’s all good. And I mean…everyone looks like a train wreck sometimes…
I did have to chuckle my ass off at all the people on twitter who were once again pledging their ‘unconditional’ love for the dude. “Oh my god how can you be so perfect??” When I read that shit I do it in this really sarcastic sing-song voice. Kinda like every actress on Disney Channel… kwim?
I don’t know why but that stuff just makes me uncomfortable. It’s ok to think he looks banged up. Seriously people. It doesn’t make you a bad fan. A friend of mine, who will remain nameless cause if I out her name here some people reading this might hunt her down and chloroform her and throw her body in a swamp, sent me a message last night saying, ‘He looks like a cancer patient.’ So while that might not be politically correct AT ALL (seriously, I know, cancer is not fucking funny. At all), it was her opinion and she’s entitled to it. She’s not a bad fan. She’s just honest. It doesn’t mean she’s sending back her DVD of WFE or deleting her robporn folder on her harddrive. She just doesn’t dig it.
Actually… it means she’s just like Rob. She’s not just blindly going along with what other people think she should say or do. She’s gonna do her own thing. Have her own thoughts. And not give a shit what other people think she should say or do.
See. I like that.
So I’m embracing hairgate. I’m embracing not giving a shit. (Sorry Nikki.) I’m laughing at the chicks who think he’s perfect. I’m laughing at us for being lemmings once again. In general… I’m laughing.
And I’m still fucking wondering what the hell Betty White puts in her tea every day…. Cause daaaamn. 90. Damn.
Now my only question is this: how long before the other Hollywood sheep all start shaving their heads in an effort to be cool?? Let’s place our bets ladies. I bet there are barbers all over LA today getting ready to buzz some heads…
Poor dude. He really just can’t catch a break.
I hope he didn’t fart on Betty.
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| R.I.P Lion Hair. |
