Face Time With Twitter Girls

Spending time with twitter h00rs is important. Really important.

For the last four days my mind has been waxing poetic about this very thought, but I’ve found all my flowery contemplations boil down to that one simple statement. I had the chance to reflect last weekend, while finally melding my twitter life and real life for 36 hours, and I have come to the conclusion that despite what our family and friends might think of us, building friendships with bat shit crazy twilight women over the internet is important. And getting to meet them face-to-face is nothing but ‘win’.

Way back in November, when I was a relative twitter-virgin and was still standing out on the virtual street corner in fishnets begging for people to join my list of 23 followers, I met a girl named twidazzled81 (she has since changed her name to firecracker03, apparently she lost her dazzle, got fired up instead and then subtracted 78 from herself). She and I hit it off by talking about a little known brit boy who was handy with a guitar and had a song that some people wanted badly to believe was written by another well-known brit boy. We both had bothered to listen to the rest of his music being pimped on MySpace and had found that amidst the rumors and innuendo, the boy could actually sing. Quite well.

So a few weeks into our virtual friendship, she asked if I would be willing to drive to Durham to see him play at her house when he tours the US in the spring. Of course I said ‘yes’ – because clearly ‘this is a pipe dream and is never gonna happen’. Brit boys do not fly across the pond with their guitars to play in the kitchens of random North Carolina girls.

Well. Apparently they do.

The weekend was a leap of faith for many. Including my husband who was sure I was either going to be engaged in some kind of brit-boy/twitter-girl orgy or was going to be hacked to pieces by serial killers who portray themselves as twilight fans on the internet in order to stalk their unsuspecting prey. I for one was nervous as hell going into it.

My persona as twopeas is vastly different than the one I live everyday as Nicole. Nicole is a fairly average suburban soccer mom with a tad bit of snarky humor and a love of high heels. Twopeas is pretty much a potty mouthed bitch who doesn’t mind discussing anything from the state of popculture to sex toys and would probably live her life in thigh high leather boots. She’s snarky too, but that’s about the only thing she and Nicole have in common. So what would happen when twopeas had to play Nicole or Nicole had to play twopeas? *insert gasp from Nicole and middle finger from twopeas*.

What I found this weekend, somewhere in between drinking too much Friday night and getting sick and having an epic text argument with my husband (who was still convinced it was an orgy) on Saturday, was being with all the twitter ladies was easy. WAY easier than I thought it would be.

And that brings me to the first reason spending face time with twitter h00rs is important – you get to be yourself. Not the ‘self’ that includes all the baggage and past history that your real life friends know about. You get to come out of your own skin and simply be who you are inside your own head without any predetermining factors.

I’ll give you two examples. When the beloved Petegirlsmom (aka Nekol) showed up in her Momma Mobile Friday night, I rushed to the front porch to greet her. ‘Bitch you better get in here and fix me a drink! You’re late! I’ve had to pour my own already!’ When Carrie and I were endeavoring to drive all of Durham while crisscrossing between every Hilton owned hotel in the Triangle, we came upon some douche in a jacked up red pickup. “Small penis??” is the first thing out of my mouth. These are things Nicole might think in her head, but if they came out of her mouth, her real life friends would scrunch up their foreheads and ask, ‘did you just say that??’ Being with h00rs gives you the freedom to let these things out. How is that not a ‘win’?

The second reason face time with h00rs is important is even more beautiful than the first. It opens up your world.

The scene in Carrie’s kitchen Friday night made me realize just how unlikely it would be for me to meet anyone there in real life. We all come from different places. Our careers range from working with abused women to running our own IT companies to manhandling small snot-nosed children all day long. We represented just about every culture there is. Our ages probably spanned close to one and a half decades.

In a real life world, we would meet and spend hours making small talk and trying to search in between the lines to find commonalities. We would look at each other from the outside and maybe never spend enough time to look all the way in. Even if we try hard not to – in the real world our minds are already consumed by first impressions long before the person we are speaking to opens their mouth. But our twitter experience forces the opposite. We get to know each other from the inside out. Where else in the world can you do that?? When do you get to know a person without any bias or preconceived notions?

In Carrie’s kitchen we giggled and hugged as introductions began to match twitter names to real life faces. We had too much to talk about. We needed 10 more hours to fit it all in. We stood there like idiots with our phones in our hands, wanting to include all the ‘sisters’ who couldn’t be there in person. Why? Because we’re a little nuts? Yes. Because somewhere along the way this whole bat shit crazy thing became a little virtual family? Yes to that too.

I kept standing back and trying to observe the scene from the eyes of the brit boys who were there. Clearly they thought we were all insane. Who wouldn’t? We were a group of grown women, all wearing stilettoes and slightly tarted up, who are devoutly in love with fictional characters, slightly obsessed with the people who portray them and linked to one another through databases of made-up fan-fiction and online social media.

If you had described a group like that to me two years ago, I would have said you must have gotten lost in a nerd horde at a Star Trek convention and hopefully you got out with your life. I’m pretty sure that’s probably what the boys felt standing in that kitchen. (Add to all that they are 3000 miles and across an ocean from the place they call home – I’m not sure how they didn’t run from the place in fear or in boredom.) But they stuck it out.

The ‘boy called Kevin’ was gentlemanly enough to introduce me to Southern Comfort (crap, is that what made me sick the whole next day? And why does his mum call him Keef on Facebook?). ‘Rob with no last name’ (we do know his last name, it’s just funny to call him this), was such a sweetheart everyone there wanted to talk to him. (But did anyone else notice he seemed to like talking to a certain New Yorker?) I’m not sure if poor Lee had a chance to meet up to the expectations that months and months of twitter giggling about his meat and his requests for redneck liquor had unknowingly heaped upon him. It was kind of a heart break to me to learn that he actually dislikes twitter (I know, *gasp*.) But in hindsight, after what I’m sure was a long and stressful first week of touring and finding his way in a strange land, it was probably a welcome relief for him to find the flowery one among us. So good for him I guess. (Let’s just hope ‘the boyfriend’ didn’t mind!)

The weekend didn’t go exactly as I had planned. If I could call a mulligan there are a few things I would change. I would have stopped to eat an actual meal at some point during the day on Friday so consuming liquor for 6 hours didn’t make me want to keel over all day on Saturday! (Have I mentioned that Nicole has never EVER gotten sick after a night of drinking in her life??? Because Nicole knows to carb-up beforehand. Damn twopeas has a nervous stomach and can’t hold her liquor apparently.) I would not have missed the opportunity to be in the Adam & Eve store with Nekol – where picture taking opportunities with vibrating panty displays were so obviously missed! I would have gone to the concert at the pub on Saturday because I went all that way and never heard Lee sing my favorite song. I would have called my worried husband more so he wouldn’t start an epic text war with me effectively ending my weekend early.

But most importantly, I would have remembered to hug each one of the girls in that kitchen. And would have told them what a positive impact they’ve had on my life. I was scared going into this weekend, but hanging with h00rs is an experience I’ll never forget.

If I can help talk them all into coming to DC to watch BD with Nekol and me next fall – I will make sure of several things. I will bring some loaves of bread, some Zantac, some more mother fucking hot heels, and an armful of hugs for each one of them.

-twopeas1pod, aka Nicole

*Enough good things cannot be said about Carrie, aka twidazzled81, aka firecracker03. She opened her wallet and her home to give us this chance to meet. I’m so happy to call her a friend. *

*In case any of my twitter sisters, you know who you are, are reading this. I would flove to meet you in person. I think we would spend the first 6 hours squealing and hugging. Someday ladies…. Someday….#H00rTour lives on in my heart. *

*My favorite part of the entire weekend remains: “Now boys you gotta’ think ‘bout how they’d look up on your shoulders!!!” – Nekol. I love you momma!!*